Out With Expectation

This morning I was sitting in my chair in my little corner of my office, journaling. Sometimes I just randomly write down my thoughts and other times I puzzle through things that are bothering me. Today, it was the latter. I was trying to figure out why I’d been so frustrated and angry and disappointed and upset lately (yes, I know, I sound like I’ve just been a ton o’ fun, well, here’s a shocker: I haven’t). This morning I was going through all the things that I’d been promised, assured of, or even hoped for, that I knew were never going to happen. Yes, I was wallowing in self-pity, but I was upset. No, disappointed, because I’d gotten my hopes up for things that I knew just weren’t going to happen. Things that I’d now either have to figure out how to do myself (in some cases, a long shot but not impossible) or just give up on entirely. So then, I asked myself. If these were things that I cannot fix or change or build or adjust, if these things I wanted were outside my power to bring to fruition, did I want to sit here and let it make me miserable or did I want to figure out a way to move on from it. I was putting all my eggs in someone else’s basket waiting for them to do it for me instead of seeing what was […]

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Old Age and Marilyn Manson

Last night I went to a concert. What concert, you ask? Well, a Marilyn Manson concert. Was it good? Hell, yes! It was awesome! He was awesome! I absolutely loved it! You know what I didn’t love? The fact that when a young girl (about twelve years younger than me) was told I was going to the concert, she laughed […]

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My Incredibly Long Food Story

You know those movies where multiple story lines are going all at once that seem completely unconnected but slowly come together in some huge climactic culmination? I love those kinds of movies, I think perhaps because they remind me so much of my own life. How can a movie with multiple characters remind me of my life, you ask? No, I do not have split personality disorder. But think about it for a moment… There are so many aspects to our lives, so many roles we play, so many hats we put on that we end up playing many different characters within this one lifetime: child, sibling, spouse, adult, teenager, friend, enemy and so forth. We are playing multiple parts at any given time. Look at the person whose career is skyrocketing while his homelife is failing. Or the one who seems to have a plethora of friends and family but no time for a career, or their health? Doesn’t it sometimes feels like so many parts of us are going in opposite directions and we just need them to come together, but have no idea if or when that will ever happen? That is how I am beginning to feel, or have felt for a long time. I’ve been very aware of the various hats I try to fill and how I only manage to get them about half way until I’m pulled in another direction, never feeling like […]

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Oh Monday, my Love

“You never know how much you love something until it’s gone.” “You never know what you had until you’ve lost it.” “You can’t appreciate what you’ve got until you no longer have it.” And so on, and so on. That can be such a depressing quote, or, it is so often used in sad situations. When a loved one dies, when a relationship is over, when the world ends and you no longer have the amenities of modern living. Or, like us this weekend, no power or water for 5 hours at -35. But it can also be so uplifting because you can truly appreciate the thing you love so much more when you get it back (assuming it can come back, so obviously I’m not talking about death or the apocalypse right now. Although, even that is open for discussion. Just not here, today.) Like, you forget how amazing a cold glass of water can taste until you’ve hiked through the desert for hours with an empty canteen. Or you forget how much you love your dog until he comes bounding up at you like he’s been waiting his whole lifetime for you, even if you’ve only been gone fifteen minutes. Or you forget how truly amazing air conditioning is until you’ve spent several hours at 40 degrees (celcius) with 100% humidity. In those cases, that quote can be pretty amazing. When you remember how much you really did love it. Like […]

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