Out With Expectation

This morning I was sitting in my chair in my little corner of my office, journaling. Sometimes I just randomly write down my thoughts and other times I puzzle through things that are bothering me. Today, it was the latter. I was trying to figure out why I’d been so frustrated and angry and disappointed and upset lately (yes, I know, I sound like I’ve just been a ton o’ fun, well, here’s a shocker: I haven’t). This morning I was going through all the things that I’d been promised, assured of, or even hoped for, that I knew were never going to happen. Yes, I was wallowing in self-pity, but I was upset. No, disappointed, because I’d gotten my hopes up for things that I knew just weren’t going to happen. Things that I’d now either have to figure out how to do myself (in some cases, a long shot but not impossible) or just give up on entirely. So then, I asked myself. If these were things that I cannot fix or change or build or adjust, if these things I wanted were outside my power to bring to fruition, did I want to sit here and let it make me miserable or did I want to figure out a way to move on from it. I was putting all my eggs in someone else’s basket waiting for them to do it for me instead of seeing what was […]

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Naked Face

I have to swim in a swim meet next weekend and I am freaking out. Okay, wait a minute, let me rephrase that. I do not HAVE to do anything. I need to take ownership of this, of all that I do. Especially since, if you want me NOT to do something, all you have to do is try to […]

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So, What Do You Do?

I got that question today. The dreaded, “So, what do you do?” I can usually see it coming, there’s a specific way people go about saying it. It starts on a high note, the first word is often a little longer than the rest of them, but it is always after the same thing. Sometimes it’s, “What do you do […]

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Damn Relationships!

I have been addictively watching Sons of Anarchy lately, catching up on what I have missed. As in, the entire series. My life has been overtaken. I could sit here and write pages of what I love about it (the pace, the need to kill bad guys, Jax), life lessons I’ve learned from it (like, don’t double cross your gang members or you get ripped apart…literally), and so forth, but I’m not going to. Just do an Internet search of the Sons and there are enough people doing just that. So why then, did I mention it? Because there is one thing that draws me the most to this show, and it’s not the violence or the bikes or the vests (patches I guess I should call it to remain true to the show). It’s the way they handle conflict. And I don’t mean conflict in a literary story-writing sense, but interpersonal conflict. It’s how the characters solve their own shit that keeps me coming back every. single. day (because we are in the time of netflix people, binge watching is how it is). No, I do not mean how they deal with conflict on a large scale, like, someone turned rat and now must die. I mean, how they deal with it among friends. I’m actually jealous of it. There is no beating around the bush, there is no passive-aggressiveness, there is no silent treatment. There is only in-your-faceness. […]

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Hate is Such a Strong Word

My cat hates me. Well, she’s not my cat, she’s my son’s, but I’m the one home with her all day; the one who feeds her, who saves her from the dogs, who talk to her, who suggested getting her in the first place. And do I get any thanks? Hell no. Not only that, but she likes/tolerates (she is a cat, after all) everyone in the family…EXCEPT ME! I walk into a room where she’s been sitting quietly and she jumps down from her perch and leaves. I pick her up and she instantly stops purring and clamors to get away. I talk to her and she gives me the stink eye. So fine, if she wants to be like that, I’ll just hate her right back. Isn’t that the way it goes? And yet, I can’t. I often chalk it up to her being a cat, they’re supposed to be like that, aren’t they? And I take solace in the fact that my dogs trail after me all day and look pathetic when I leave and then ridiculously happy when I return. They love me, so it’s not that I’m unlovable. It’s obviously the cat’s problem. But that doesn’t mean I have to like her. Or be nice to her, right? I’m not talking about the cat. Well, I am, but I’m not. The cat is so reflective of the rest of my life. Over the past couple […]

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The Culmination of My Food Story, aka, Part Two.

I wasn’t actually going to write the second part right away. I was going to let it sit for a few days, maybe get some other work done. But I feel like I need to finish it now. I feel like the beginning was so dark and depressing that there needs to be some light at the end of this, there needs to be something hopeful and happy. Basically, I’m all gung ho to get this done and finished and walk away with a smile on my face. Until I realized I’d have to write it and share it. Because the first part feels very much like a past me, a much older version that is so far gone that to share her story would not be as vulnerable as sharing mine now (Yes, again I am in split personality mode, I can’t help it. It’s just the way it seems to be going. You’ll just have to go with it.). To continue from where I left off means to enter into more of my present, more into the part of me that people see and face every day (Ha! Well, not every day since I leave my house as little as possible.). It probably seems strange as I did pour my heart out in that last post, but when I hit the publish button, I didn’t feel like I was really revealing something crazy, because it was over, I’ve […]

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