The Pornographic (but not really) Post

Day 4

Okay, so, according to 642 To Write About, I’m now supposed to write a scene using only the words, “Uh-huh,” “Umm,” “Urrr,” and “Mm-hmm,” as the spoken dialogue.

But here is my problem…there is only one scene going through my mind right now and I am pretty damn sure it’s not appropriate. Well, okay, I would still say it’s appropriate in that it would be respectful for all the people involved and most likely an enjoyable experience for all involved and/or reading. It would be in-appropriate in that I have not advertised this blog as a porn site nor do I have one of those buttons that say, “You must be 18 years old to enter this site. If you are 18, click here.” I assume those buttons are pretty much required if you are about to write a sex scene in a blog post as some innocent reader just might no like that stuff and get super offended. Or, I have underage readers whose mind’s I would screw up. But I don’t think so…

So, you must imagine the scene for yourself. Now, I do not write porn. I know I said that above but I used the wrong word. Personally, that’s just not my thing. I’m not about to get into the positives and negatives associated with porn here because that could be many, many, many blog posts all in their own. It’s just not my thing. I need more of a story line. Or, any story line, just not costumes in some random situation. I need the characters to be wearing outfits they would actually wear, and say and do things people would actually do in real life. Now, if you are someone who tends to hang out at home in frilly skirts that reveal your ass cheeks and G-string, with a bikini o top that barely covers your nipples, then you’re probably offended right now. “What? She said porn ain’t real life? What do you mean? I totally fucked the pizza delivery boy in my hallway when I asked him for extra toppings. But I thought all pizza places had cum as extra toppings? They don’t? Whaaaaaat?”

I’m sorry. That’s just not my thing.

But stories are my thing. And not stories like Fifty Shades that are poorly written, sexist, masochistic, sick fantasies belonging to writers who obviously watched too much porn as children and got confused as to what a healthy sexual relationship actually is. But actually stories, with characters I like and can relate to, characters who don’t annoy me or seem silly or contrived, who actually speak like normal people speak and who have healthy sex drives instead of some wacked out urge that belong sin the files of psychiatric patients who should never be alone with animals or small children. I just want a normal, well written story that actually builds up to the climax (In both ways of the word! Lame, I know, but it had to be done.) instead of jumping right to it and skipping the development stage. I love stories that build up on urges many of us have, that build up in a way that could actually happen in real life, the kind that won’t get you killed if you attempt to suggest one of the acts in the bedroom.

That is the kind of erotica I like. So that is the kind that you would find here. You’d find a woman who sees a man who sparks that burning feeling inside of her, that makes her question whether she has the courage to go through with it (Oh! Ha! Like in Cinderella…Have Courage and Be Kind….while fucking your prince. Ahaha! I wish I’d thought of that while watching the cheesy movie, then I wouldn’t have wanted to gag as much as laugh…but that is a whole other post entirely), but then finds the intensity keeps building and building with each look at that man that she has to act on it only to find that he was feeling the same thing and he’s already crossing the room, driven by some need to get to her and then they talk and, oh…wait a minute. That would involve words that I’m not allowed to use.

So, that is where I end. Because, I wasn’t actually going to write a naughty post for everyone to read, I mean, come on people, my mom and my mother in law read this. How awkward is that? (Although, I’m guessing they quit reading a long time ago in order to save themselves the embarrassment of reading me write this stuff…thank you for that.) If I’m going to write that kind of stuff, I have to create a whole new blog…which might be a good idea. But either way, I needed to fit this into the writing prompt and the rest of that story didn’t fit. Or wouldn’t have…at least not at first…not until they realized that they’d have to follow through on their desire and would eventually end up in the bedroom where the dialogue would lose all need for words. But I just can’t do it, because there are some of you out there who don’t like sex stories. Or, maybe, some of you would rather write your own ending instead of reading mine. And, by write, I mean, imagine the scene for yourself, putting yourself into the situation and um…urrr…uh-huh….mm-mmm.

So, next prompt.

Tell a complete stranger about a beloved family tradition.

We do this a lot actually. But not usually to strangers, usually to people we are trying to force feed, like friends and teachers and anyone else who happened to be near us at Christmas time when the lefse comes out.

It goes like this.

Us: (Insert friend’s name here), do you want some lefse? (pronounced lef-suh)

Them: What is that?

Us: It’s a crepe made out of potatoes.

They give you a look like you’ve asked them to eat cockroaches.

Us: No really, it’s really good.

Them: still giving you a weird look.

Us: Just try it.

Them: Well, how do I eat it?

Us: However you like. We’ve had it with just butter, with butter and brown sugar, butter and regular sugar, butter and cinnamon and sugar, or you can wrap it up with turkey and cranberry, you can….and so on and so on.

Them: Well, just, make me one how you like it.

So we butter and sugar it for them, roll it into a tube or flatten it into a triangle, and hand it to them, watching with anticipation as they take their first bite. And then?

They. Fall. In. Love.

Yep, just like we said. It’s really good.

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