Hopeless

So, I sat down to write a blog about digs. Not archaeological digs or wellsite digs, but personal ones. You know, those little comments and jabs that get put out there by people to cut you down but that are too subtle or quiet or twisted to be able to actually call them on the insult.

But then something happened. What, you ask? It’s embarrassing, but I forgot the website of my blog.

Can you believe it? Yes. I’m that much of an idiot that I forgot my very own blog’s website. That’s what happens when you start something then take three weeks off (for holidays, caring of children, laziness, summer… all the stuff that gets in the way of what you really want to do). And the funny thing is, the dig I got this morning was from a woman who was making some kind of comment on how I was put together and ready to go this morning.

Ha! If she only knew!

And that’s the problem, isn’t it? We don’t know. We never know. It is impossible to truly know what is happening inside another person and yet, we judge them. Why else would we make those little digs to cut them down but to try to make ourselves feel better for the perceived inadequacies that some part of another person has helped bring to the surface.

That woman was bitter and jealous at me because I, apparently, looked put together and ready to go this morning. Now, I imagine she means because I was wearing make up, as I do every. single. day. I hardly look in the mirror without slapping it on first due to my own insecurities. Now, she doesn’t know that, does she? She has no idea how impressive it is for me to see women, like she was this morning, go out without makeup on and be beautiful. How I wish I had that confidence! And yet, she is pissed at me for being ready and able to get my kids to their activities on time (which, we all know is a major feat and for me, an anomaly) all while wearing makeup and an outfit that took all of 30 seconds to put together.

Now, this was a woman I very rarely come across, but do know who she is (it’s a small town, we all know everybody else, and if we don’t, we’ll still talk about them!). I don’t know her well enough to have anything she does affect my life, and yet, it shocked me to know that my behaviors or routines (the, not going out in public without looking somewhat presentable) were able to affect her so she had to make some comment. Because if she didn’t care what I did, that “dig” would never have happened. A comment that reflected the fact that she had noticed this before. And why? Why does what I do affect someone I hardly even think about?

And don’t even get me started on the digs I get from family members, they are enough to make you want to hole yourself up and never come out. And again, why? Why can we not celebrate each other? Why is this woman mad at me for putting on makeup, or a sibiling mad because of the way I live my life, when it has nothing to do with them? Why do we care so much what others are doing? And I am not innocent, obviously if I did not care what others thought of me I would not have to get up and put on makeup before driving my children to their activities, would I? And yet, I do it. I do it everyday.

So there are those who want to make digs at another person to feel better, fine. I am not even going to begin to guess why as it is not my place to make assumptions. I could not possibly know what is at the heart of another person’s pain but, anytime I am bitter towards another it is due to some perceived inadequacy or jealousy on my part (of which we are all guilty, I am sure). People have made digs at me because they didn’t know me or why I was behaving a certain way. And is that not the case for everyone?

Well, if ignorance is the root of the bitterness and the insults, then I will put myself out there. Maybe if we could be honest and stop comparing ourselves to others who are never, ever, how we expect, then these “digs” could stop. Yes, dear mother in line behind me, I did wake up early this morning and put on makeup before leaving the house. I did this because I need it to feel good about myself. I did it because I haven’t gone to the office in weeks and was so excited about getting up and working and writing again that I woke up early to start my day off well. My days have not been going well so this was my chance to break free of that. Did she know that? No. She just judged me on my appearance.

To everyone else who have made digs at the way I live my life, spend my money, make my decisions, I just want to be happy. And everything I do, every decision I make is to live this life that I have right now to the fullest. I have dreams and goals that will not go away so I have to go after them so as not to end my life with regrets. Everyone has their own demons to fight. I have mine and I am doing battle the best way I can, as you are.

I am definitely not an innocent victim. I have done to others as they have done to me and have spent time as the “digger” as well as the “diggee”, but lately I have felt drawn to the latter category and it’s starting to get to me. I don’t know why this is, but something about how I do things seems to irk certain people. And that is fine. Maybe if they are jealous I must be doing something right, right? It’s not like I’m competing with anyone else; just trying my best to be me and if that bothers some people, well, so be it. At least I can complain in print, now that I finally remembered the address of my own blog!

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